This song has been playing in my head so much lately. It is pretty much what I feel when I think of God. What Do I Know of Holy by Addison Road I made You promises a thousand times I tried to hear from Heaven But I talked the whole time I think I made You too small I never feared You at all No If You touched my face would I know You? Looked into my eyes could I behold You? (CHORUS) What do I know of You Who spoke me into motion? Where have I even stood But the shore along Your ocean? Are You fire? Are You fury? Are You sacred? Are You beautiful? What do I know? What do I know of Holy? I guess I thought that I had figured You out I knew all the stories and I learned to talk about How You were mighty to save Those were only empty words on a page Then I caught a glimpse of who You might be The slightest hint of You brought me down to my knees (CHORUS) What do I know of You Who spoke me into motion? Where have I even stood But the shore along Your ocean? Are You fire? Are You fury? Are You sacred? Are You beautiful? What do I know? What do I know of Holy? (CHORUS 2) What do I know of Holy? What do I know of wounds that will heal my shame? And a God who gave life “its” name? What do I know of Holy? Of the One who the angels praise? All creation knows Your name On earth and heaven above What do I know of this love? (CHORUS) What do I know of You Who spoke me into motion? Where have I even stood But the shore along Your ocean? Are You fire? Are You fury? Are You sacred? Are You beautiful? What do I know? What do I know of Holy? What do I know of Holy? What do I know of Holy?
My mornings are running short, again. Here’s my response to a post by Skip Moen. Can you sense my frustration? I want to be obedient, and I want to figure out the Truth, as opposed to tradition. I don’t even know where to start. Even when it comes to reading the Bible, right now I don’t know where to read. It’s an aimless wandering, and that bothers me. The wilderness is SO huge, and I feel lost in it. Skip’s post: Identification Marks My response: I think a lot of us are in that place where the Messiah has overthrown our entrenched beliefs. This leaves us (me, at least) staggering, trying to rethink, relearn, realize the Truth (as opposed to the traditions that have been created, that we have grown up with since childhood). Yesterday I sat in church (yes, I still go) and compared the sermon (all about giving generously and God’s blessing for believers) with Skip’s post (about how believers are punished to bring them into alignment with the family requirements and how being a Christ-follower isn’t all roses and cash prizes – okay, that was my interpretation). There are some times when I enjoy what is said and it does come relatively close to the things I’m learning. And then there are times when I laugh and think, “How can you cherry pick which parts of the Old Testament count?” I grew up a missionary kid, so those entrenched beliefs were driven in deep… and pulling them up by the roots is a tough job. The question is, when the bed is clean and the soil ready, what is the Truth to be planted? And how does the garden grow properly so it becomes the beautiful thing it was meant to be? I think a lot of us are in that place where the Messiah has overthrown our entrenched beliefs. This leaves us (me, at least) staggering, trying to rethink, relearn, realize the Truth (as opposed to the traditions that have been created, that we have grown up with since childhood). Yesterday I sat in church (yes, I still go) and compared the sermon (all about giving generously and God’s blessing for believers) with Skip’s post (about how believers are punished to bring them into alignment with the family requirements and how being a Christ-follower isn’t all roses and cash prizes – okay, that was my interpretation). There are some times when I enjoy what is said and it does come relatively close to the things I’m learning. And then there are times when I laugh and think, “How can you cherry pick which parts of the Old Testament count?” I grew up a missionary kid, so those entrenched beliefs were driven in deep… and pulling them up by the roots is a tough job. The question is, when the bed is clean and the soil ready, what is the Truth to be planted? And how does the garden grow properly so it becomes the beautiful thing it was meant to be?
One thing I’ve found as I’ve searched and explored is that I’m no longer certain about some of the beliefs I thought I was certain about. I no longer completely understand how some things fit together, nor do I understand how to do many of the things that I thought were basic. The conflict between my western/Greek theology and the Hebrew theology that I am learning is so great that I feel like I walk on egg shells. How far does God’s grace extend? Does he understand that I am trying my hardest to be obedient to Him, to worship Him the way He wants to be worshiped, to pray the way He wants to me to pray, and to live the way He wants me to live? If I get it wrong, does His grace take into account how much I want to get it right but don’t know how because it’s been jumbled in 2000 years of politics and confusion? I sure hope so. There is really only one thing I do know for sure: YHWH is God. He is ONE. The only one. I also know that Yeshua came as a man and died and rose again for me, to repair the relationship that was severed in the garden. And I know that the Torah is my act of obedience in response to Him. It doesn’t save me (only God’s graciously attributing righteousness to me can do that), but it shows me how to live as a citizen of His kingdom. I helps me be “set apart” from the world. Beyond that, I’m a little confused and uncertain. I don’t know how singing praises fits in to all of this, and I don’t know how sacrifices and such fit in so long ago, and I don’t know how these things that seem to attack my brother-in-law and husband fit it, and I don’t know how to apply a lot of the things I’m learning. Sometimes I wish the answer was more obvious.
How do you deal with something that people don’t believe exist. Or that you’ve seen and heard, but people think aren’t really there. I’m not talking about ghosts. My family, unfortunately, is dealing with darker things that hang on with tentacles and growl in the dark. How do you address something that the Bible hardly talks about? How do you fight something that you aren’t even sure you understand? Have I mentioned how much I love the fact that I can now go and research all this, from a Hebrew view, no less!
“Peace I give to You” Almighty One I need peace; Rest and comfort to calm my soul Help and order to sooth my mind. Confusion roils through my heart I seek Your truth I seek Your way But I find that I don’t find The answers that I seek I find that I don’t know Who You are or What to say. Do the small things count? Do the mundane things matter? When I talk to You Do I presume with my questions? Are requests too selfish? Are my askings out of line? I feel I’ve lost my tongue, My voice is blind. I know you speak and answer I know You’re always here I have no doubt You love me I have no doubt You’re mine. Yet I wonder, is it personal with You? If the Plan is more important What’s the point of asking You? Do I take Your “promises” Out of Your context When I apply them to me and myself? My foundations are crumbled My understanding has faltered My heart is confused: Are You Friend and Father? I know You created the universe huge I know You created each person on earth I know You created each tiny (annoying) bug I know You created each one of us. Who are You? What importance am I? How should I relate to the maker of Life? Who are You? Who am I to You? What can I whisper to the creator of Life? Who are You? How does this all fit? How should I walk in this relationship With You?
Psalm 119:126 It is time for You to act, O LORD, For they have regarded Your law as void. The reason this verse caught my eye is because the next two verses start with “Therefore…” and they’re about the writer’s love of God’s commands and his hatred of all evil. I wondered, “If these are the effects, what is the cause?” It would seem to lie in this verse. This verse is a call to action. Whoever “they” are have ignored God’s law (that would be the Torah – it’s even in the text). Doing this is grounds for action (an effect). And David loves God’s commands and hates evil because he knows that God will act when the people ignore God’s laws. And, even though this wasn’t something I thought about immediately upon reading this, Christianity has done this today – regarded the Torah as void. This is grounds for action today, too! Looking at God’s response to idolatrous nations (here’s an interesting article on what that means), I’d really want to be on the other side – the one that obeys Torah and doesn’t regard His laws as void. Can I say that I love His commands more than gold? That I consider all His precepts to be right about everything? David does. I should, too. God doesn’t make mistakes. God is a god of action. And He requires action from me, too. The questions beg an answer: Do I love His commands more than my stuff? Do I truly consider Him right about everything? Do my actions (the way I act and live) reflect my answers to those two questions? That’s the real question.
Psalm 119:96 I have seen an end of all perfection, But Your commandment is exceedingly broad. Let me start by saying that I have no idea what to make of this verse. It pretty much says what it means, when it’s translated. In the midst of a psalm about God’s word and faithfulness, I don’t understand how this fits in. What does it mean for His commandment to be exceedingly broad? Interesting that it’s just commandment (singular) and not commandments (plural). Also, when the words are arranged in the order they are in Hebrew they actually read: To all perfection have seen an end (or limit, as one translation puts it). So perhaps the first part is about how limited our ability to be completed or perfect is. Maybe because the Law (a collective version of commandment) of God covers so many things it is impossible to fully obey or perfectly obey them. I honestly don’t know. Sorry for the rambling. Today my brain is anticipating (worrying?) an interview I have today. I already have a job (which has it’s own set of pros and cons), and in some ways, were I to be offered this position, this job is better and in others it’s about the same (and it comes with its own set of cons). I am trying to remember how God has always been faithful in the past to guide me. However, considering how my paradigm has shifted recently, I’m not entirely sure how to approach this. In the end, He is God. He directs my ways.