So, it was one of those mornings…. John had a tour so he was rushing around getting stuff together. Kai woke up crying and was fussy and clingy and generally unwell acting. Gavin was bouncing off the walls. And it wasn’t until 1pm that I realized that I had TOTALLY missed the vocal clinic at church that I had been looking forward to for weeks! There’s that feeling of nausea in the pit of my stomach and sheer disappointment – because I really was looking forward to a chance learn how to make my voice better, because they had gotten childcare together for me (and hopefully others) so we could attend, and because I was excited to meet some of the other people on the team. Now I just feel horrible. I hate disappointing people, and I hate missing something I was so excited about. How could I have forgotten?? Why did my phone not give me a reminder? And why didn’t my Gmail calender remind me? This is like those times when I have to trust God to come through financially or in another way… Now I have to trust Him that the organizers of the event don’t feel like I’m unreliable or that I don’t care (I did send a rather upset email apologizing). But I think the hardest part is just being disappointed after wanting to improve and learn and knowing how few and far between these opportunities are. I think I’ll go cry now.
Psalm 24: 3-4 Who may climb the mountain of the LORD? Who may stand in his holy place? Only those whose hands and hearts are pure, who do not worship idols and never tell lies. Wow, this is a tall order. There are a lot of days (okay, most days) when I feel like I’m totally unworthy to be in God’s presence. I make the same mistakes over and over and over and over again. I have trouble forgiving people for what they’ve done to me or those I love. I am afraid for the future. I am angry with my situation. I am a mess. I am SO not holy. David Loveless addressed this in our church service a couple weeks ago when he spoke about spending time with God. I tend to view God’s ability to forgive on my own ability to forgive. And I base God’s ability to forget sin on my ability to forget sin. Obviously, there’s a flaw here. I am imperfect and am not blessed with the ability to forget on command. I usually forget the things I want to remember and remember the things I want to forget. But God’s not like that. He says that when He forgives He forgets our sin. He can’t see it and He doesn’t replay it. So every time we have to go back and ask for forgiveness He doesn’t ask, “Look, didn’t you just do this same thing yesterday? What’s wrong with you?” Instead, He simply forgives us because He’s forgotten the last time we did it and asked for forgiveness. He forgets, even when we can’t. That to me is mind boggling. Because I can’t do it, it’s hard to fathom and to grasp that God does that. I can keep track of each time I stop trusting God and freak out about situations. But after forgiving me, God erases the board (and He’s got a great eraser – doesn’t leave marks or traces) and there’s nothing to add to anymore. That is awesome. It’s the only way I can ever be allowed into His presence. If He remembered all the sins I did, I’d never be as white as snow. It’d be a dingy gray. Jesus is like Tide with Stain Release (or whatever works best). Once I ask God’s forgiveness, the stain’s gone and I’m clean again. I’m wearable. I’m usable. I can finally stand in front of Him and worship Him. I like that!