“Then you will delight yourself in Adonai, and He will give you your heart’s desire.  Commit your way to Adonai; trust in Him and He will act.” Psalm 37:4-6

There are two verbs here that stuck out to me: give and act.  They have something in common.  Neither have anything to do with me!  My usual thought is to ask God, pray about something, and then do something, maybe “helping” it get going.  I give the situation to God, and then I act, assuming that I’m doing what He wants me to do.  But these verses are pretty clear.  HE gives and HE acts.  All the action that involves doing is done by Adonai, not me.

So what am I supposed to do?  Sit there?  Well, yes, sort of.  I have to delight in Him (trust, settle in the place He puts me, and feed on His faithfulness), and I have to commit my way to Him.  I have to believe and trust.  Trust is inaction in action.  I can believe and then do nothing about it, acting contrary to my “beliefs,” but trust implies that I act on my trust (or in this case, not acting, but rather waiting an allowing Him to act, which I believe will be a good thing because I delight in Him and He loves me).

Once again, my actions are unnecessary.  God does the acting.  God does the giving.  I don’ t need to “help” Him.  I just have to release control, let it go, and find joy in the One who loves me with a passion that is unfathomable!  And that is amazing!

Becoming A Vessel Of Honor*

I call Him a liar when I don’t act on the truth that He states.  For example, if He says He forgives us, and then we act like we’re still under condemnation, then we call Him a liar.  More challenging, if He says that He gives us authority and armor so that we can stand against the attacks of the enemy, and we don’t use it or we question if it works, then we call Him a liar.  I struggle with this a lot.  I wonder if He delivers me when He says He does, I wonder if He will provide when He promises He will, I wonder all kinds of things even though they’re things He promises.

So do I believe Him?  If I say I believe Him, do I act as though I believe Him?  Do I trust His word and live out my redemption, my deliverance, my provision?

Ouch.

What about you?

I’m reading a book called, What You Say is What You Get by Don Gossett.  And no, it’s not a “pray for a fast car or lots of money and get it” kind of book.  It’s about the words we say and the impact that they have on our life.  Do I speak words of life?  Or do I speak death?  Do my words line up with God’s truth?

I find that often my words lack faith.  I know that when I speak in the name of Yeshua I carry the weight and authority of Yeshua to enforce His rule and reign, but I struggle to really believe that I have that authority.  And the one who doubts is like a leaf blown and tossed by the wind.  How do I finally believe what I know to be true?  I desire a revelation of understanding that penetrates deep into my heart and doesn’t just sit on the surface.

Oh, for childlike faith where nothing is impossible and everything brings delight and wonder.

It’s funny how a song sticks with me.  This one is a verse and a song and this morning it’s running through my head.  Last night, my husband went to the emergency room with a severe case of diverticulitus.  That wasn’t fun, especially considering that we don’t have insurance right now.  Nor do we have the ability to pay for COBRA (and then I remembered that it wouldn’t matter if we did have COBRA because we decided to just cover the boys in the interim between insurances).

I think there’s a drama queen side of me when it comes to situations like this.  I know that God has been faithful in the past and has never let us down.  Yet, I still find myself getting all upset and even a little angry.  Why now instead of next month (which is after my insurance kicks in)?  Why us at all?  Why do my boys have speech delays and autism when we tried so hard to make sure we were being healthy and doing the right things, and other people who smoked and didn’t take much care have perfectly “normal” children?  Of course, the flip side is, why are my children so healthy when other children have life threatening illnesses…  and that puts it back in perspective.  Why does it seem that we can never get ahead financially?  There are so many questions that really don’t have answers.

Then, of course, I’m reminded that it’s not about me having all the answers or knowing how it will all work out.  The control-freak side would love it if it were though.  Strangely John was much more logical and trusting than I was.  Usually, I’m the calm one.

He’s still sick, and I’m still totally unsure about how on earth we’ll pay any medical bills.  If he doesn’t get better, and if he requires surgery, I have no idea what we’ll do.  But, maybe that’s God teaching me that it’s not up to me to be in control of everything.  I have no choice but to walk by faith.  I’m in the wilderness.  I’m walking slowly.  I’m slightly terrified, but also exhilarated and curious to see what He’ll do to get me through.

I Believe In Love

How long will my prayers seem unanswered?
Is there still faith in me to reach the end?
I’m feeling doubt I’m losing faith
But giving up would cost me everything
So I’ll stand in the pain and silence
And I’ll speak to the dark night

I believe in the sun even when it’s not shining
I believe in love even when I don’t feel it
And I believe in God even when He is silent
And I, I believe

Though I can’t see my stories ending
That doesn’t mean the dark night has no end
It’s only here that I find faith
And learn to trust the one who writes my days
So I’ll stand in the pain and silence
And I’ll speak to the dark night

I believe in the sun even when it’s not shining
I believe in love even when I don’t feel it
And I believe in God even when He is silent
And I, I believe
No dark can consume Light
No death greater than this life
We are not forgotten
Hope is found when we say
Even when He is silent

I believe in the sun even when it’s not shining
I believe in love even when I don’t feel it
And I believe in God even when He is silent
And I, I believe.

… But if You can do anything, take pity on us and help us!” And Jesus said to him, ” ‘If You can?’ All things are possible to him who believes.”  Immediately the boy’s father cried out and said, ”I do believe; help my unbelief.”

I am so much like this boy’s father.  I believe in my mind.  I know all things are possible.  However, translating my head knowledge into action is often quite difficult.  This has been especially apparent recently with all the craziness surrounding my new job.  I know that God has always been faithful in the past, yet I struggle not to freak out wondering if or how He’ll come through again in this situation.  ”Silly rabbit!”

In my honesty, my cry is the same as this father’s, “I do believe! Help my unbelief!”  Seems like it would be contradictory, but there’s a huge gap between head knowledge and acting on that knowledge.  I may know the bridge is sound because everyone tells me it is, but I truly believe them if I step out onto it and walk across.

One step at a time.

(Read Skip Moen’s post on this verse)

He is.  Even when we don’t see it, He is.

(aside: for an interesting article on the difference between Greek seeing and Hebrew hearing, read this.)  I’m not always the best example of remembering this, but I was reading an update from a woman who was miraculously healed, recently moved, and is now searching for a job in Spokane, Washington, and was struck by her perseverance and faith that God’s got it under control, even when it seems chaotic or uncertain.

The bigger thing that struck me is that she is part of my community.  We live on opposite sides of the country, but we interact and pray and study with a group of people together.  This same community gave my family a gift when we were struggling, and when we can, I hope to be able to give back.  Small contributions are never unimportant.  The widow who put in two small coins was commended by Yeshua because she had given sacrificially and because she had been faithful to Torah in her giving to the Temple and because she had come to the Temple when perhaps, given her financial situation, it would have been easier to stay away.

Interestingly, this is what I read today:

Psalm 20 (NASB)

Prayer for Victory over Enemies.

For the choir director. A Psalm of David.

¹May the LORD answer you in the day of trouble!
May the name of the God of Jacob set you securely on high!
² May He send you help from the sanctuary
And support you from Zion!
³ May He remember all your meal offerings
And find your burnt offering acceptable! Selah.
⁴ May He grant you your heart’s desire
And fulfill all your counsel!
⁵ We will sing for joy over your victory,
And in the name of our God we will set up our banners
May the LORD fulfill all your petitions.
⁶ Now I know that the LORD saves His anointed;
He will answer him from His holy heaven
With the saving strength of His right hand.
⁷ Some boast in chariots and some in horses,
But we will boast in the name of the LORD, our God.
⁸ They have bowed down and fallen,
But we have risen and stood upright.
⁹ Save, O LORD;
May the King answer us in the day we call.

This is a prayer for myself, but also for this woman in my community.  I love verses 5 and 6:

⁵We will sing for joy over your victory,
And in the name of our God we will set up our banners
May the LORD fulfill all your petitions.
⁶ Now I know that the LORD saves His anointed;
He will answer him from His holy heaven
With the saving strength of His right hand.

We sing for joy over the victory He gives!  God does save with the strength of His hand!  He is faithful and reliable! Amen!

Numbers 19:6:

“And the priest shall take cedarwood and hyssop and scarlet yarn, and throw them into the fire burning the heifer.

And I was curious what the scarlet yarn was, probably from my experiences with Campus Crusade growing up and The Scarlet Thread.  So I began to hunt.  I check the Hebrew, but it just has scarlet (although the word for scarlet implies the thread from the spider from which it comes) – no actual material is mentioned.  So then I looked at the dictionary aids… no scarlet, just the heifer, cedar and hyssop.  Finally I looked at the commentaries, and I found one by Ray Stedman called “Numbers: An Incomplete Life.” [1]

It doesn’t have anything about the scarlet either, but he did say something interesting:

In Numbers we have dramatically set forth what is perhaps the hardest lesson a Christian has to learn—to trust God instead of his own reason.

That’s so true!  One of the hardest things to do as a human being is to stop trying to figure it all out.  Often God asks us to do first, and understand (maybe) later.  As He asks Job, who are we to question Him (Job 32:8)?  Reasoning things is such a Greek way of thinking.  Trust is much harder.  Trust implies relationship with someone we believe has our best interests in mind.  It’s really hard to trust someone we don’t know (think of politicians…).  How can we trust a God we don’t know.

Ah, and there’s the crux of the problem.  We don’t know Him because we don’t search for Him.  We don’t take the time from our insanely busy schedules to know Him more deeply.  I still don’t understand the scarlet as part of the sacrifice for the waters of the impure, but I will keep seeking.  Scarlet is seen so often throughout the Bible, usually in association with God or events that save or rescue.  It seems to me that there is a reason what it had to be burned with the cow.  No accidents.

[1] Stedman, Ray. “Adventuring Through the Bible: Numbers, the Incomplete Life.” Blue Letter Bible – Commentaries. N.p., n.d. Web. 23 May 2010. <http://www.blueletterbible.org/commentaries/comm_view.cfm?AuthorID=9&contentID=30&commInfo=2&topic=Numbers&ar=Num_19_6>.

Isn’t that what God wants though?  His purpose is important but He’s primarily interested in the journey – how I get there.  I won’t ever know the destination, but it’s how I get there that causes me to grow.  So, lately I’ve been learning a lot about trust.  The last few days have been especially difficult.  Not so much difficult to believe that God has a purpose and that He’s got it all covered, but I struggle with thinking about things too much.  I have a tendency to run things over and over and over in my head.  It drives me nuts!  I think it’s called worry.  This is especially true when I feel like I’ve hurt someone or been misunderstood in my intentions.  In my heart I know that this is in God’s hands, too, and it’s not a surprise.  But it’s really hard to turn off my brain.

I’m learning to trust Him with financial issues more than ever.  Sometimes it seems counter-intuitive, that when we have so little and when we don’t know when more will come, it’s then that I want to give the most and when I realize how much God is in control (and how little control I have).  I begin to see that living now and trusting God for then is a part of the process.  Skip made an interesting point on an mp3 I listened to – that no matter what way I turn, the future is always behind me (I can’t see the back of my head) – think of the rowboat analogy (we’re rowing in a river of time, but to row forward we have to face backwards).  The main thing I struggle with here, is how do I know I’ve aligned myself properly with what God’s done in the past, so that I am headed in the right direction?

In Hebrew it’s about the movement, and even waiting is an active verb.  So my question is, if I’m supposed to keep moving while I wait, how do I do that?  When God called Abraham out of Ur, He didn’t give him directions to the next stop.  He told him to go to a place “I will show you.”  So did Abraham just pick a random direction and start walking?  That’s the implication.  But how does faith like that translate into my life today?  What if I’m walking in the total wrong direction to get wherever God wants me to go?  Or maybe, it’s not so much that God has a physical destination in mind.  Maybe no matter what direction I go He is there and will use the journey and the wandering to make me more like Him.  Maybe God didn’t have a final destination for Abraham.  Maybe it was all about the fact that Abraham went.  And in going, God was able to mold Him character.

Anyway, that was a rather long bit of rambling.  Such have been my thoughts lately – disorganized and a bit of a shambles.   Perhaps tomorrow will be better.  Until then I will walk in the path I am on and trust that if I come to a dead end sign, there’s another path branching off that I will be following next.

Blessings and peace!