Silence cuts more cleanly than a knife A back turned is a jagged shard scraped across my heart A disgusted retreat is a thousand glittering points plunged deeply into my soul I don’t know how a tear became an ocean I don’t know how a word became a wall When did one question asked in peace towards comfort Turn so dark, so deadly, so full of rage? Now I am alone Not quite alone I don’t know how to apologize for a crime I’m unaware of I don’t know how to mend a tear I didn’t know I caused. Are these shadows of the past Come to haunt and taunt and torment me? Are these old wounds left to fester until accidentally jarred? Are these freshly caused by me or Are these year and years more old? When I thought the thing was whole, When I thought all was resolved The the winds howled suddenly louder The the rain came lashing down And the silence was a slamming door at your back The lock so finally turning the rumbling thunder in the dark. My tears are spent My heart is frozen My hands tremble as I write. It is empty I’m confused It is quiet I’m shaking Is it done?
“Peace I give to You” Almighty One I need peace; Rest and comfort to calm my soul Help and order to sooth my mind. Confusion roils through my heart I seek Your truth I seek Your way But I find that I don’t find The answers that I seek I find that I don’t know Who You are or What to say. Do the small things count? Do the mundane things matter? When I talk to You Do I presume with my questions? Are requests too selfish? Are my askings out of line? I feel I’ve lost my tongue, My voice is blind. I know you speak and answer I know You’re always here I have no doubt You love me I have no doubt You’re mine. Yet I wonder, is it personal with You? If the Plan is more important What’s the point of asking You? Do I take Your “promises” Out of Your context When I apply them to me and myself? My foundations are crumbled My understanding has faltered My heart is confused: Are You Friend and Father? I know You created the universe huge I know You created each person on earth I know You created each tiny (annoying) bug I know You created each one of us. Who are You? What importance am I? How should I relate to the maker of Life? Who are You? Who am I to You? What can I whisper to the creator of Life? Who are You? How does this all fit? How should I walk in this relationship With You?
I don’t know if it’s because I’m still in the middle of a struggle to understand all this (all that I’ve learned about the words I read, the Hebrew mindset, the Torah, etc.), but I used to think of God as warm and comforting, as someone I could snuggle into when I was afraid and talk to when I am afraid. But, now He seems more cold and distant, more a king than a comforter, more a holy GOD than a relate-able, tell-me-what’s-wrong-I’m-listening Father. Is He warm, kind, and loving, or is He cold, unapproachable in holiness, and loving me as a piece of a larger plan? Sometimes it seems that I don’t matter (I don’t mean that selfishly, but more that I’m a pawn in a larger game which matters much more than I do). And if the plan is bigger and better, if I don’t matter in the grand scheme of it all (being such a tiny player), why did God create me? I miss feeling like God cares about me. I’m not saying that He ignores me or that He’s made a mistake. It just seems like the personal aspect of a relationship with God has been removed because the communal, over-everyone, unapproachable-because-I-am-not-worthy part is so much bigger. I feel that I’m constantly unacceptable and walking on eggshells because I want to obey Him but don’t know how. I’m sorry, I feel rather confused and melancholy this morning. Perhaps I’m struggling with what I want vs. what He wants, and I need to remember what it’s like between me and my children – sometimes they don’t get what they want because I know something they don’t know and I have something better/safer/cooler for them up my sleeve.