I don’t know if it’s because I’m still in the middle of a struggle to understand all this (all that I’ve learned about the words I read, the Hebrew mindset, the Torah, etc.), but I used to think of God as warm and comforting, as someone I could snuggle into when I was afraid and talk to when I am afraid. But, now He seems more cold and distant, more a king than a comforter, more a holy GOD than a relate-able, tell-me-what’s-wrong-I’m-listening Father. Is He warm, kind, and loving, or is He cold, unapproachable in holiness, and loving me as a piece of a larger plan? Sometimes it seems that I don’t matter (I don’t mean that selfishly, but more that I’m a pawn in a larger game which matters much more than I do). And if the plan is bigger and better, if I don’t matter in the grand scheme of it all (being such a tiny player), why did God create me? I miss feeling like God cares about me. I’m not saying that He ignores me or that He’s made a mistake. It just seems like the personal aspect of a relationship with God has been removed because the communal, over-everyone, unapproachable-because-I-am-not-worthy part is so much bigger. I feel that I’m constantly unacceptable and walking on eggshells because I want to obey Him but don’t know how. I’m sorry, I feel rather confused and melancholy this morning. Perhaps I’m struggling with what I want vs. what He wants, and I need to remember what it’s like between me and my children – sometimes they don’t get what they want because I know something they don’t know and I have something better/safer/cooler for them up my sleeve.