Silence cuts more cleanly than a knife A back turned is a jagged shard scraped across my heart A disgusted retreat is a thousand glittering points plunged deeply into my soul I don’t know how a tear became an ocean I don’t know how a word became a wall When did one question asked in peace towards comfort Turn so dark, so deadly, so full of rage? Now I am alone Not quite alone I don’t know how to apologize for a crime I’m unaware of I don’t know how to mend a tear I didn’t know I caused. Are these shadows of the past Come to haunt and taunt and torment me? Are these old wounds left to fester until accidentally jarred? Are these freshly caused by me or Are these year and years more old? When I thought the thing was whole, When I thought all was resolved The the winds howled suddenly louder The the rain came lashing down And the silence was a slamming door at your back The lock so finally turning the rumbling thunder in the dark. My tears are spent My heart is frozen My hands tremble as I write. It is empty I’m confused It is quiet I’m shaking Is it done?
Psalm 119:37 Turn away my eyes from looking at worthless things, [And] revive me in Your way Take my eyes from considering emptiness; return me to life in Your manners/moral character. Sometimes I’m very selfish. Probably more often than I’d like to admit. It’s especially bad when I’m tired. I also tend towards being non-confrontational and hesitate to voice my frustrations, because I know the reception to them won’t be pleasant. And then the mousehole/molehill becomes a mountain, and a minor annoyance gets blown out of proportion. Maybe when I find myself in this kind of situation, I should remember this verse. Emptiness or emptiness of speech (vanity, worthlessness) is my selfishness. The true thing to look at is my ability to bless others, to love them even when they don’t deserve it. Yeshua did that for me. God does that for me. All that being said, I’m not always sure how to respond when I get frustrated by a situation, especially if I’m stuck doing something that someone else should have done. But then again, Yeshua got stuck paying for my failures that I should have paid for… So, once again it comes down to becoming more like Him in my actions and putting aside my agenda or desires in order to love those around me in the manner in which He first loved me. This is so much easier said than done!
I’m sorry I’ve been a bit lax at posting lately. I’ve had this cold yuck for about a week, and a head that feels like it might explode isn’t very conducive to computer work. I’m hoping that I’ll be up and about more in the next few days. So, to get you thinking this morning, Skip challenges us to think about the words that come out of our mouths. I know that I am sometimes careless with my words, especially when I’m angry or upset. I think my mouth is the hardest thing to control. I especially struggle with saying unkind things about people or venting to other people when I’m hurt or mad or frustrated or when I feel something is unfair. I don’t like to be so judgmental about people, and that’s something I’ve been really challenged to work on. Anyway, read Skip’s article here. >>
Psalm 39:3 My thoughts grew hot within me and began to burn, igniting a fire of words… How long does something burn within me before I finally speak? Usually, too long. It smolders until I am so frustrated that it comes out as an explosion and I say things that may hurt, even if they’re true. I struggle with this a lot. It’s hard for me to say things that are uncomfortable, even though they probably do need to be said. But when I wait, stewing and going over and over the situation, sometimes my thoughts are clarified and sometimes they are amplified and I get angry. God, help me to know the words to say and when to say them and to have the courage to speak out when I know it’s time.